I went to the library today. I was lucky enough to get off work at 3pm and you know I high tailed it out of there. I picked up every book and CD I could find on meditation. Not for me though….. for my daughter. She is a very intense child. Emotional and explosive she will cry at the very mention of something. She complains about constantly being sick and having headaches. I am certain she is depressed. Why wouldn’t she be??? Her mother is suffering from at least 3 different emotional disorders, depression being one of them. They do not give children medication (rightfully so) for depression and the waiting list for psychotherapy is long. This is causing a set back in my own recovery. Guilty feelings flood me, and I beat myself up for having to be this way, and worse of all, giving it to my innocent daughter. During my therapy sessions, I have realized that I have always been depressed. My mother and stepfather were too wrapped up in their feelings of selfishness and entitlement to notice. I was also constantly sick, I cried at the littlest word, action or even a the thought of getting up in the morning. I was a reckless teenager, changing my appearance constantly. (I still do that). I got tattoos, piercings and colored my hair rainbow colors. I did poorly in high school at first and was drinking and doing drugs at age 16. I suppose the difference between me and my daughter, is she has a loving and caring environment, and although she may not know it yet, I would crawl to the moon and back to see her smile. For all my kids. I have decided though, that both myself and my husband are going to stop sweating the small stuff. We are going to yell as little as possible in the kids presence, we are going to come up with constructive ways of discipline and encourage self esteem and independence. I am going to make sure I tell all of the kids how much I love them every single day. I am going to put even 10 minutes aside to do something with each of them individually. I am going to teach my daughter to meditate. I am going to create a place in her room that is calm and peaceful where she can listen to relaxing music and just BE. I know I should care about my own recovery, but I have been living with mental illness most of my life. And I brought my daughter into this world, and by god, I will do anything to make it as happy a place as she could wish for.
