I have been recently diagnosed with a multitude of mental disorders, predominately OCD and depression. Throw a little General Anxiety in there and you have a summary of me. Mom of 3, wife and full time employee. Coming from a less than fabulous background and dragged herself from the trenches of certain poverty to end up with a middle class life. Sounds like I should write a book doesn’t it? I have had my fair share of worries in my life, mostly before I met my wonderful husband and got married. I was left by my ex pregnant and taking care of a disabled child…. or a retail salary. That was 7 years ago and I did not suffer too badly through it all, at least I thought I didn’t. I met my husband about 6 months after my second child was born and he was like a breath of fresh air. I loved the kids and he loved me, he went to the moon and back for us. Any anxiety and worries I had in the past dissapeared once we moved in together. Things were looking totally awesome. I have always been someone who gets bored way too easy, always looking for an emotional high. Being the mother of small kids I didn’t really get to follow through with any adventurous ideas that popped into my mind. My anxiety returned with a small amount of suffocation. I felt I was being suffocated at home, that my life was ruined because I had children at the young age of 20. I turned to alcohol and various drugs to deal with my emotional issues. About a year and a half ago, I lost my job, and felt the pain of losing many friends I had made there. I was bored at home all day and continued on my destructive behaviour of drinking and taking drugs. One night I woke up and had excruciating chest pain and I was sweating and shaking. I was absolutely convinced I was having a heart attack, from all the drinking and other substances I put into my body. I went to the washroom and threw out every single pill or drug I could find. I dumped all the booze down the sink and drove myself to the hospital. It turns out I was not having a heart attack, but I was having a panic attack which simulates the pain of a heart attack. I rested the next day and seemed to be fine. I swore to myself I would never, ever do anything bad to my body again. I found a job in May of last year. On the outside this job was perfect. Close to home. summer hours and a half decent salary. It was an office job so no working weekends. Things were looking up. 3 weeks ago I felt sick at work, I couldnt breath and my ear was hurting real bad. Not remembering the panic attack I had over a year ago, I left work and went to the nearest clinic. I was told I have an ear infection and given antiobiotics. I stayed in bed all weekend crying and crying but not knowing what for. I kept having terrible thoughts in my head, like what happened if I went crazy and killed myself? The difference was I didn’t want to kill myself, or even thought about the actual action. I just thought I was going to go crazy and just do it. I also kept thinking I was going to push someone in front of a train, or had fleeting thoughts of hitting someone for fun. I convinced myself I was bipolar and I would be sent to a mental institution. I couldn’t function and was perplexed as to what was wrong with me. I knew I would never act on these thoughts, but the action of having them was causing me so much stress. I finally went to my family doctor, who has known me for 10 years. He determined I was under and extreme amount of stress and needed some time of work. He gave me some Paxil to help the anxiety and some other meds to bring down my skyrocketing blood pressure. He instructed me to stay off work for a minimum of a few days and see how I feel. I took the medication as instructed and went back to work a few days later. I felt ok, until I got there and had the mother of all panic attacks. I quickly left and went back down to the doctor. He took me off one of the meds that may have triggered the panic attack. I decided on my own that I was going to beat this without medication. I stopped taking everything and fought the anxiety with relaxation techniques. Last week it came to a crashing halt. I had a nervous breakdown and was almost hospitalized. I was put back on the paxil and things have been amazing since. I have only had a few moments of anxiousness, but other than that I am an emotionless droid. I have not been able to sleep though and was given lorazepam to take when needed. So I am using this blog to track my progress through the anxiety. I am taken a 16 week CBT course to deal with my emotional issues. I am working on getting better and doing better for my kids. Here’s to sticking with it!
