Pondering’s of Pixie

First of all let me get this out of the way…………………

*****IT IS FRIDAY!! THANK THE GOOD LORD ABOVE I MADE IT THROUGH ANOTHER F-ING WEEK!!!!******

Good news for the day (besides the fact that it is Friday)- I am still sick, but feeling better, kind of an oxymoron isn’t it?

Bad News for the day: I am still 6 hours away from the joy and celebration of Friday.

I have noticed that while on my medication, I seem to ponder the strangest things, and deeply too. Like this morning I was looking at myself in the mirror and realized how enormous my head is. The opposite of this of course is when you look at any pictures of me (especially my wedding photos which OMFG I looked like a weeble in white) my head looks tiny in comparison to my body. Kind of like the shrunken head guy on the movie Beetlejuice.

Other things I have pondered today:

If it would hurt if I rolled my car by driving too fast and hitting a snowbank

How it would feel to walk into work and give everyone the finger, spew many different expletives and I f-ing quit.

Becoming a professional photographer

Being a circus performer

Ways to get back at someone you despise, without getting caught.

In addition to pondering, I have also grown some new obsessions/compulsions:

Cutting my hair- obsession with my hair leads me to cutting at least 4 sections each morning- they look good at the time, but when I wake up they look drab and boring so out the scissors come. I believe in a few weeks I may look like Uncle Fester.

Decorating my house- maybe you think this isn’t so bad, but it is when there is absolutely nothing wrong with your house. My husband just spent 2 weeks fixing and repainting the living room and dining room, throwing out furniture and insane amounts of junk. My obsession now, to make Debbie Travis jealous. My compulsion, to buy all these little ambient nick nacks, table runners, area rugs, candles and anything else I can think of. I suppose the compulsion is more that I can’t stop myself from buying it. I have become a shopaholic. Which being in the financial situation we are currently in, is very, very bad.

So on the schedule for tonight, a lovely Friday night in, searching for a new job and writing some more stories.

Or, cleaning and picking up dog hair which is probably more likely.

Paranoid Android

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am a kind of emotionless andriod, even more so since I have been taking Paxil. I only save my emotional outbursts for things that are related or directly effect moi. Like the kids being hurt, losing my job, getting in a fight with hubby etc. The only feeling I can be sure of is the anxiety and paranoia that are my constant friend in life. The Paxil has helped supress those feelings, (or just makes be to darn lazy to act upon them) but I can still feel them there.

So when I was watching American Idol last night, they were talking about the charity show they are airing next week called “Idol Gives Back”. Of course in an attempt to pull on everyone’s heart strings, they show footage of orphaned children in Ethiopa living in the streets in droves. This bothered me beyond explanation. I couldn’t help but think, why is the UN and all the countries it encompasses, spending money on a winless war when they could be building shelters and trying to curtail the poverty in third world countries? I know many people out there will say that the war is necassary, to help free the people in Afghanistan from terrorist rule. Although I agree that no country should live under the threat of terrorist action, I do not believe in war. No body comes out a winner. I spend my tax dollars to pay for the murder of sometimes innocent people. I would much rather see it spent on ridding the world of childhood poverty. These poor children didn’t ask to be born, they are forced to live on the streets, sleep on the ground and scrounge for food like common alley cats. This is a disgrace. All of us should come together, start a movement or contribute to an existing one, such as Idol Gives Back. Watch the video on it, the link is here.

This whole thing makes me proud to be Canadian. Although we suffer our fair share of childhood poverty here as well, Canadian people are a different breed. We donate, we contribute and share what we have. Our government realizes the importance of access to health care, and in turn no one gets turned away. We have a multitude of opportunities for everyone, be it government sponsored schooling or apprenticships all the way to Social housing and Social Assistance. We welcome people from all countries with open arms and assist in giving them the better life they came here to seek.

I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

The one movie you must see!!!

In my rambling earlier about how unfortunate and sickly I am, I forgot to mention that I saw the best movie ever made last night. (no it was not starring me, although I can’t help being perfect). SWEENEY TODD. I am slightly biased because I love Tim Burton and Johnny Depp and everything and anything related to them. Phew! I am out of breath.

This movie is best suited for the strong stomached, wussy’s need not apply. It has everything a serial killer obsessed person could ask for. Blood, guts, very sharp knives and even some cannibalism to unsuspecting townfolk. It has come out on video (do people still say “Video” or is it “DVD”) so I urge you to rent it. Johhny Depp sings like an angel and the creepy haunted look really turns my crank.

Excuse me while I take a break to hack my guts out.

* coughs, spews, chokes, feeble attempts at breath* 

Yep there is that chest ripping pain again….

I am going for lunch…

How many ways can you say “I am sick”?

I am unbelievably, unequivacolly sick today. Every time I cough, it feels as if someone has sliced my chest open. My head is jello and my nose is runny. I am at work, because I am a huge IDIOT and now I can’t control the shaking and chills.

** Note to self**

2 months ago this would have constituted at least one visit to the local ER, 2 visits to a local walk-in clinic and 5 calls to my family doctor. Plus hours of sobbing about how unfortunate I am to ALWAYS be sick.

**THANK YOU PAXIL!!**

oh and a shout out to my peeps at Ajax/Pickering Emergency. You guys to a great job!! Sorry we havent seen each other this month, maybe some coffee next week??

***Second note to self***

FIND ANOTHER JOB!! GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS PLACE….NOW!!

Ok now that’s off my chest, I have come up with numerous ways to say “I am sick, and will not be attending work today”

1) Leave me the f%#k alone! (my personal favorite)

2) Two words “Ebonic Plague”

3) My doctor says its only contagious within a 6 foot radius

4) I won’t be in this morning It turns out I have a bad case of tuberculosis. I hope to be in tomorrow.

5) I’m not feeling great and I won’t be in today, It turns out I have scabies, shingles and chicken pox.

6) I was poisoned by my mother-in-law

7) I have a bad case of hiccups I have infected hair follicles

9) I have the swine flu

10) When I got up this morning, I accidentally took two exlax with my prozac. I can’t get off the toilet, but I feel good about it.

Tomorrow being Thursday, with statistically the lowest call in sick ratio, I may use #10.

Things that suck

In my 10 minute drive to work today, I was thinking about things that suck. For me just about everything sucks but even I am not above having a good time.

Of course the things that SUCKS the absolute most are

a) a job in the financial industry

b) a job in the CD/DVD manufacturing industry

c) a job in the telemarketing industry

d) hell, any job at all.

Other notable mentions

• Working to pay your overpriced daycare provider
• Rain
• Clowns (but I love the psychotic one from the movie IT)
• Love Stories
• The Toronto Maple Leafs, Jays and Raptors
• Turning 30
• Anal Assholes
• Any Asshole
• Drive Thru’s
• Public Transit
• My Car
• Having too many kids
• Not having any kids
• Rehab
• Celebrities who don’t know what underwear are
• Being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back
• Scientology and L.Ron Hubbard
• Puff Daddy/P Diddy/WTF Diddy
• Running out of toilet paper, after you have used the toilet
• Seniors who are still allowed to drive
• The parking lot at my work
• Close talkers
• Doing Laundry
• Smart Asses
• Lice
• Pedophiles
• Dogs
• Movies with Monkeys as the star
• When you can’t stay awake on New Years Eve
• ‘Ol Dirty Bastard
• PEOPLE WHO TYPE EMAILS IN CAPS
• Richard Simmons
• People who wear too much perfume/cologne
• Dirty public restrooms
• Wet pet food commercials that show the food
• Pigeons
• Dubya
• Being the butt of a joke

To many to fit, to be continued

Relishing in the misery of others

To say I am a sick individual may not be entirely correct. To say a have a sick sense of humor may be an understatement. So here I am stuck in the middle of immaturity and psychosis. I laugh when other people suffer. I play sick jokes on people and piss my pants laughing. I sat there watching as my husband flailed in the water after being caught on a “floatie” that wasnt so floatie anymore. He doesn’t know how to swim, and the pool was only 4 feet deep and my husband is 6′2. Whats the problem right? I sat there at the edge of the pool comprehending what was going on. Like the signal to my brain had stopped midway to ensure I got a great chuckle about it, then continued on to the rest of my body to get my ass up and help save him. I did save him, and laughed for about a week afterward, even though he was fuming at me.

I laugh when someone craps their pants and think farts are the funniest thing in the world. I have urges to push people periodically, especially when they are walking slow in front of me.

For April Fools I signed up one of my ex-bosses to the Gay and Lesbian Rights Association, then blind copied the entire company she works for. And I laughed. I am laughing now. In fact I am laughing so hard, there is a very good chance I will need to shower and change at lunch time.

In other news, I am sick. I was determined to fight it off but here it is. Sore throat and foggy head. OH, OH, OH, I almost forgot. We had another FREAK OUT at the dentist last night, courtesy of my daughter. Yes, Yes, that very same daughter who promised me she would be good this time, and that yes she understood the importance of dental hygiene. In return I offered to take her to the cookie place next door. Instead I spent 2 1/2 hours sitting on a childrens stool, desperately hoping it doesn’t crumble under my weight (as if the daughter of lucifer wasnt embarassing enough), bent in an awkward position in order to hold her legs and hands at the same time, whilst not being hit by the swinging dental tool tray. The kicker was that my youngest child had his very first appointment after her, witnessing the exorcism of emily rose in the dental chair didn’t help matters much. After much convincing, and a promise of cookies and a thomas book he hopped up on the chair. Luckily for me he has perfect teeth. He will require braces but for now, he is good.

Another wasted day in hell.

Case of the “Monday’s”

BLAH!!!! BLECK!!!

It is Monday….

My entire neighborhood smells like a sewer, due to endless rain and snow clogged catch basins.

I checked the mailbox today in anticipation of a big fat cheque, the result of a bank mistake, or publisher’s clearing house draw and all I found were more (surprise!!) bills.

I can not for the life of me keep my eyes open, my throat is sore, my nose is runny and all my kids are sick.

I am broke, poor but making the daycare provider rich

I have had the same request for insurance quote on my desk since friday, have shuffled it 6579 times in attempts to look busy, but have not obtained an actual quote.

I have had the exact same email open on my computer since 8:36 this morning. People are getting suspicious.

Somebody is eating Indian food in the kitchen, which I have the good fortune to sit next too, oblivious to the fact the entire office is green and fighting over the toilet.

My hair is not doing anything I want it to. My brain is telling me to pull a “Britney Spears” by I am too lazy to dig out the hair clippers.

My nightmares are getting more and more creepy every evening. Last night I dreamnt I was sitting on the toilet and a ghost came out of the shower and walked passed me. Then went into the kitchen and ate hot dog.

I am suffering from writers block. Wittiness has left me.

I am going to be 30 this year. No more skateboarding, beer bongs and wet t-shirt contests

I have to take not 1 but 2 of my kids to the dentist today. Yes, the same dentist who 2 weeks ago my daughter kicked in the face when he attempted to look in her mouth.

I am done complaining. Dexter was awesome as always. Dancing with the Stars tonight. The fact that that oaf Penn Jillette is off the show is enough to put a smile on Simon Cowell’s face.

Drugs are still working well.

No feelings $0

No emotion $0

 No sex drive $0 (viagara here I come)

No energy $0

Not giving a fuck= Priceless

Sundays closing…and I am depressed

Its Sunday, 10pm and I can hardly remember a thing I have done this weekend. I remember leaving work on Friday, I remember 5 minutes ago. I remember how absolutely depressed I am thinking about having to go to work tomorrow. I am having writers block about what to write about, I am craving the sweet sensation of lorazepam and how the sleep comes so peacefully and quickly. How I will sleep until 8 am with less than the normal amount of nightmares. Only I can’t sleep until 8 am. I am almost out of Lorazepam and am fighting of sleep, for fear of the night terrors that haunt me. My house looks good, a major cleaning spree, some paint, an area rug and some dollar store trinkets, I have turned into pieces of art = a serene environment with a modernized twist. Watching Dexter, my favorite average superhero. I love serial killers and wait in anticipation for the revelation of the illustrious ICE TRUCK KILLER. Probably not good for the night terrors.

Until tomorrow…..

Exciting news from Pixieland

My article “Decoding Dreams” was just approved to be published in an online magazine. Details to follow……

Plus, My traffic to my associated content webpage has increased by 1000 views in the last 2 days. That is more than in the last 2 months. I am so happy my stuff is getting out there. In the meantime, I have started 2 new blogs
www.askpixie.wordpress.com
www.pixiescoop.wordpress.com

The first one is inviting people to ask my advice (which I generally dole out to anyone and everyone anyway) and the second is what is hot news right now..

Loving writing…

Whats in a name??

Two things have happened so far this morning:

1) I woke up with a PANIC attack, which I have not had in at least 3 weeks or since the Paxil took effect. (Personally I believe it was from taking Sleep Eze last night which, pardon the pun, did not help me sleep easy)

2) I decided without a doubt to change my real name to my pseudonym Pixie. My regular name is soo boring, and I think I need to change my name to leave some of my past behind. My husband says I am always thinking up crazy ideas and need a reality check. I don’t think he would like me if I lived full time in reality. I am thinking I will do it for my 30th birthday, which is coming up.

I have also thought about my many obsession/compulsions (as a part of my ongoing OCD treatment), when you think about the list it is pretty funny

Obsession: Fire ripping through the house, and killing everyone

Compulsion: triple check all lights are off, plugs are unplugged, appliances and electronics of off and all my plethora of smoke detectors are in working order…every night.

Obsession: Rodents in the house- most commonly MICE

Compulsion: to obsess over every food crumb, make sure every hole is plugged and make sure the cat accompanies me to the basement.

Obsession: Somebody shooting me through our living room window (only at night though)

Compulsion: to make sure all curtains, blinds etc are closed prior to dark every night

Obsession: The front door being left open

Complusion: to quadruple check the lock on the door every time I leave and go to bed, which has resulted in a lock that does not work right (defeats the purpose huh?)

Obession: that the kids are going to get a life threatening illness and die, if I don’t immediately treat and ailment they may have.

Compulsion: to search up all of their symptoms on the internet, have a drugstore in my bathroom and call the doctor every time they sneeze.

Obsession: I am going to die from a life threatening illness if I dont seek help immediately when something (anything) is bothering me. (most commonly Heart Attack)

Compulsion: see above internet and drugstore reference. As well I pay quite a few visits to the emergency room in any given year. They have come to know by my first name in the local hospital. The have the EKG machine and a bed waiting for me and do not need to triage me. OF COURSE I AM HAVING A HEART ATTACK!!!

There are more but the list wouldn’t fit on this page. It’s funny what you realize when you are forced to look at yourself from a third person view. I will keep you updated on the name thing. My hubby is not winning this one!!